DAMES …

martinplaid

 

All dames are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, “Thanks, honey, it was delicious.”

~ Steve Martin, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid 

Instructions & invocations in preparation for the trip across the great river Styx

1} Place two coins (one over each eye) before you start your journey to give to the ferryman.

Your all seeing God may be waiting but just like an amusement park or a Disney film, it’s gonna cost you.

*Cancel that. Apparently they no longer accept coins and have now jimmied the price up to two hundred dollars due to inflation.

*Note 1 To The Unacknowledged: The ferryman hates the band “Styx”.  So please DO NOT FUCKING sing!

2} Always carry a ham sandwich or a cream cheese bagel on your person at all times. The Ferryman can be bribed.

3} Poets ARE NOT allowed on the boat. However, if you are a critic that’s acceptable as long as you kiss ass well.

4} Hellfire. Brimstone. Satan? Perhaps you have taken the wrong turn. If this happens or this where your journey ends, then try smiling a lot and suggest a lot of your friends.

*Note 2:  Hell is full of lawyers and politicians so suggest somebody else other than like your next door neighbor or an ex.

Keep your hands in the boat at all times!!!! You don’t know where that water’s been.

Bring a translation book, they all speak fuckin’ Egyptian.

*Note 3: If you are a drunk female when you pass or a gay guy DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES lift the Ferryman’s loin cloth or robe! And DO NOT make “Boner” jokes!

And yes. Smoking IS allowed…after all well, you’re dead.

Have A Nice Afterlife  !

_____________________

~ R.M. ENGELHARDT

riverstyx

“you do sometimes look at yourself and think…you know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think… “this is fantastic. I’m in heaven.”

~ Dylan Moran